What's in the WikiLeaks Insurance File

Now that Julian Assange has been arrested, everyone is concerned that they are about to leak the WikiLeaks Insurance File, a "poison pill" document cache that allegedly contains all kinds of damning revelations about everything from the government to major corporations and that can be unleashed if WikiLeaks is in danger of shutdown.

Here's what I assume will be inside:

• What Bill Murray whispers at the end of "Lost in Translation."
• Confirmation that they faked the moon landing, including outtakes from staging of the moon landing with crew visible in background, six takes in which Neil Armstrong keeps saying "One small step for mankind, one giant -- wait, no. One giant leap for man -- sorry. One giant step for leap man -- I'm sorry, I really thought I had it that time," and one shot where you can see the director's son eating a sandwich.
• A full explanation of the plot of Inception that includes whether or not he's dreaming at the end.
• Tell-all account of JFK assassination written by Grassy Knoll itself.
• A really, really offensive joke once told by Mother Theresa.
• Identity of Kaiser Soze
• Coca Cola secret ingredient: dingo blood.
• Non-conclusive evidence that Mel Gibson is a futuristic robot sent back in time to stop an asteroid from hitting Earth, but whose creator accidentally left his Generator of Phrases It Is Acceptable To Say on the 1835 default settings.
• Proof that the government is being run by the Masons, using evidence from building designs, dollar bill imagery, and something Joe Biden said once when his mic was turned off.
• A DVD of "National Treasure."
• Proof that Paul is Dead.
• Original version of Gettysburg Address, which is excessively long and makes a lot of steamboat jokes that don't really land.
• Proof that wars in Afghanistan, Iraq are actually going really well and civilians love us there!
• Synched version of Dark Side of the Moon and Wizard of Oz.
• President Obama's birth certificate, which indicates that he was not only not born in the U.S., but that he was "made in Area 51 by top men."
• Guide to all the secret phalluses embedded in Disney animated films.
• Documentation that Piers Morgan and Tony Hayward are in fact the same person
• Location of Elvis, which everyone's been keeping secret because, well, it's just sad, really, what's happened to the man.
• Location of Osama bin Laden, which turns out to be that one bathroom stall at the far end of the women's room where no one goes in or comes out but you know someone's there because you can see the feet.
• Victoria's Secret

by:compost